Accidentally skipped a day, and I really meant to write, but I guess I learned a new lesson. Don’t write and take care of yourself? Get another round of 12 hour sleep and back pain.
People are beginning to read my words as I am reading theirs. People I don’t know in my daily life or even on social media. And I “get” them and appreciate that they might “get” me. In fact, I’m going to borrow an idea from straightheart and do the alphabet – but one letter a day. I need structure to be able to do this, or anything really.
I don’t want to start off with A so I’m starting with the letter C: co-signing other people’s bullshit. This term has a certain meaning in certain worlds. In my world it means giving the go ahead for someone to do something, as a last resort, that both of you know they shouldn’t be doing. Or letting someone download their problems who has no real intent of changing up their life. Basically it means engaging the narcissist, taking the bait, and then going what the fuck? How did I let this person do this? I cannot solve OPP. But I continue to waste my own breath and energy trying. Given a million anecdotes and solutions when (one person in particular) just wants permission (co-signing) to go back to the one thing she thinks will help. Or, in the case of another person, wants to threaten self-harm because that’s what has worked in the past. I’m through with doing this.
PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DIE- DO IT, THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT IT ON FB UNTIL SOMEONE PAYS ATTENTION. THIS IS ACTUALLY MORE SELFISH THAN THE ACT OF SUICIDE ITSELF.
Something I once told someone who lived in the sober house I helped run, 2 years ago, who actually then killed himself sometime later down the road. This was a person who truly was a nice individual but who annoyed me with his pretentious need to be different. He once told me very sincerely and with no agenda that I had the most beautiful smile he’d ever seen. It crushes me to think how callously I treated this guy. He was weird. Mentally weird. I don’t really handle the mentally weird (schizophrenics/dementia patients/zealots) well. But he had a pure heart and I’d like to think he forgives me for not understanding his anguish. He was a GOOD person. He just couldn’t hang on. His name was Ryan. I wish I could remember his last name. It started with a W. If you are on a suicide mission for real- only god decides whether or not you finish the job. I know a guy who shot himself in the head and lived. 3 kids and a wife. The universe (god) said- nope- but you get to be an example to others now and not let your family have horrible survivor’s guilt.
HAWKINS his name was Ryan Hawkins. And he made an impact on me and others while he was alive. Thanks Danielle for helping me remember. This was Ryan.
If your problem is unsolvable by multiple approaches? Then really you just have to accept that fact. Acceptance means not pissing and moaning about it ad nauseum. You either change it up however you can or you accept the situation. But you for sure shut your mouth about it. And when someone TRIES to help you? But doesn’t do it how you’d personally like? Too bad. Move along to the next person and exhaust their ass.
I have to end this on a positive notes so here goes. Naughty by Nature- OPP