D is for Desert Hearts, and the panic attacks that came with it

Sorry it’s been a minute since I’ve written. I’ve spent the last 2 weeks in a state of dread culminating in a full scale panic attack on Thursday morning. This is, of course, all my own doing. I knew better than to think I could be OK with being there, when the escalating level of juvenile behavior of my “best friend” in San Diego has turned into spite and hate on his part and disbelief and sinking to his level on my part no one “wins”. I refuse to participate in this behavior anymore. He will have to fall hard alone and pick himself back up off the ground without me. He will have others to help him. But I can’t do it anymore.

So I went to the thing- Turned out my buddy from Mxcl needed a way up there and we made it to the party around 8.  We left yesterday at 6:30 pm. I’ll be forever grateful for getting to spend time with him and hear him play for 4 hours and dancing my ass off.  This coming year Mexico will come into their own in the eyes of the world I think. The US and Europe will begin the decline of the over the top extravaganza of a shitshow they’ve become and hopefully the new regime of the young people who do it for the music and the community will keep it alive, underground and renegade style.

Narcissism and egotism are powerful drugs. Entitlement is the result of the addiction to these drugs. There are people I’ve known for 20 years or better who simply don’t have this in them whatsoever. Really talented, really famous musicians/producers/DJs. For them this life is a calling. No one chooses to do what has to be done because they simply seek adoration and fame. They do it because they can’t NOT do it. Music is how they speak, how they relate, how they make sense of the world and the people in it. There is so much drama and bullshit and promises not kept and quid pro quo behavior that goes along with just trying to play some freakin music. Always has been. But those of us for whom music is our religion, the only thing that makes us feel OK, we TRY and just get through it best we can, get to the speaker and dance, and hope that one song takes us to a transcendental state and makes us ok. And for me-that requires zero drugs at all. Sometimes drugs make it inaccessible in fact. Something changed, in my brain, 23 years ago at a full moon party or perhaps even before. My planet shifted on its axis and something opened up a neural pathway to pure joy and transcendence through acid house, deep house, funky house, whatever. And it’s still there. Still open in the right time right place.

I don’t have it in me to return to the industry. It took me about a week to realize this. I’ll always be your ear (surprisingly this is asked of me often- can you listen to my track? Can you give me your honest opinion? And I’m blessed to be able to do it) but I will never again be a producer, promoter, label twat, carnival barker, or a mf’in DJ. I do not have the intestinal fortitude to do it in this new era of DIY, no A&R, put out your own shitty music and market it so well that people conform to liking it just by sheer bombardment.

I left Desert Hearts after less than 24 hours of being there because I knew that other people’s enjoyment of themselves would be impossible if I were to stay. Also I have an ankle injury that I danced on for 6 hours and the cold temperature the next day made the pain so acute i was on the verge of tears. So I just left. Knowing Todd would have so much more fun without my negativity and total lack of patience and tolerance. I hope to god he understands this too. He is in the hands of friends he likes, but without his rock (me) – who just couldn’t do it.

There was nothing offensive going on at the party whatsoever. It was beautiful and a lot of effort was put into it. It was a positive experience for me overall. I will support anything Lee decides to put his effort behind. At night, it is magical. beyond belief, so beautiful you’re in awe of what you’re a part of. But when you have someone deliberately being a juvenile douchebag to push your buttons- you either carry on and drag yourself down to that level or you say- I’ve had enough of this and take a break, possibly a permanent one. To those who are caught in the crossfire- I left for you-so you could relax and have fun and I hope so much you don’t feel abandoned or lonely or not a part of. I hope you’re having the time of your life and I love you.

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