It’s been a long week (give or take). Even when I sleep I wake up exhausted, like a functional smiling zombie. I honestly owe my sanity to a person who appears to have lost his own and I so badly want to call up someone who I know can give me the answer to the question. “What would you have done differently, at that moment where ego took over and everyone fell away one by one until you were alone?” What led to you being so filled with hatred for even those who stood by your side for so long? Would you have been more tolerant? Less reactionary? Would you have been OK with selling out, just a tiny bit, to secure your ability to do what you really love? Would you, knowing what you now know, have sold out in the first place?
Echoes of this have surrounded me for days and they can’t help but take a look around and see who did it how, the results, and in the end, are they happy?
Let me start by saying I’ve been in a lot of cities and situations between 11/5/15and 11/15/15 but there are some standout moments and people, all of whom started out as just wanting to share music and hopefully touch someone’s life.
Some of us share the same philosophy, remain humble- but let these bitches know. We enjoy being clever and use our sheer force of hanging the fuck in there for 25 years and paying attention as leverage. We don’t seek attention, we don’t want it, but eventually you’ll find out- you were wrong, we were right and let’s move on. Mysteriously people see us as oddballs and sometimes enemies when really we’re the best friends you could have. We’ll give you our knowledge, if you listen, and let you run with it. We don’t seek to be the center of attention but people are drawn in by whatever our souls emit. Money isn’t our endgame so you can’t buy us, sex isn’t either so even though we’re seduceable, we’re not driven by the need to mash parts with other people. What lies beneath is an insatiable need to do what we do and do it well, to our own sense of satisfaction (which wavers from fuck it to absolute perfection). That’s it. Our worlds go a little off center when we’re around one another because we’re so accustomed to knowing what happens next and with each other….particles accelerate, and we get mentally ambiguous, and improbable things happen.
And then there are a few others who, I swear, can do what we can’t or won’t. Operate in the world, happily, gracefully, with diplomacy, living and letting be and still manage to have a profound impact on the world. These are friend I am in awe of. I have a fairly decent horseshit detector and these people seem to just know that what is required is to just keep going-hard-and that humans are fallible. They may also not be hyper-aware of their environment like I am and more able to just “roll with it”. But I don’t think that’s true either. Honestly, I don’t know how they live and maintain sanity but, then again, I don’t know a lot. They have the ability to tune out the bullshit, accomplish stuff, and not let the world affect them to the point that they’re crippled. They have the ability to sell themselves with being personally involved. And they are successful. But the success, is it satisfying? Because it’s based on nostalgia and dues paid to some extent. Or is there some nagging sense of doubt? One thing I have noticed of them is that they are quiet and somewhat guarded- something i’ll never be.
And then we come to the conflicted. Who can’t shut the fuck up long enough to realize they need to shut the fuck up. People so talented but so stubborn and hard-headed that they’re combative. I watch this unfold and it’s painful because they shoot themselves in the foot and seem to enjoy it. At the end of the day I’m just a person with ties to the past. That’s it. I’d hoped to get a reflective, well thought out answer from someone I know, and I did not. Instead I got a shitty temper tantrum in which i was referred to as AARON called out for not being “really” about music, told what I should have done differently and basically was told I wasn’t good at my “job” (which is diagnostic microbiology by the way, not shouting your name from the rooftops) if I at this point hadn’t done anything to promote this person to where they ought to be.
My response was short “A guy I ran a label with, Analogic, who you never supported or even paid attention to, well, I haven’t done anything for him since 2002 and he played Womb in Tokyo this summer, so really- zip it”
Have I learned anything? Absolutely. Will I always follow the music? Yes. Will I pay respect to whom it is due? Yes. Do I get the respect back? Yep. I do. 90% of the time.
So- what would I have done differently?
Not much except:
I would’ve pulled out of my own suicide mission well before the 7 or 8 years it took to do so.
I wouldn’t have abused people through neglect.
I would have realized that your family is who you’ve chosen- not who raises you
I would’ve loved myself more, earlier
Other than that I wouldn’t change one second of everything it took to get here.